phoenix_kaji

Okay, I've been dealing with a computer mess.... another keyboard kicked the bucket. I've finally managed to get a few solid hours of time on the 'family computer' when no-one else needed it, so... here are the pics! (I had to take them, upload them to my mac, download them from the photo application, email them to myself, download them here, upload them onto LJ... it was a mess, and I'm afraid the picture quality has suffered because of it. :( )



Biggest. Box. Evar.



((The wig was in there, too.))





...I would've taken more opening shots in the middle, but my whole family was watching me open the box, and I didn't feel like taking the chance of having an incredibly awkward moment with me posing nude dolls with nude dollie bits in front of my parents.

So I just quickly pulled him out, de-bubblewrapped him, and got him into some clothes.



*Ta-da*



Then I took some pics upstairs... I just realized I don't really have a good full shot of him here. *oops*





Kurai is a normal-skinned Luts Moon, and the wig is a random one I liked from their site. He came with a pair of blue glass eyes (I can barely tell in the pics), and is patiently awaiting a faceup.
And ear extensions. Etc. T_T

(I'm glad he's a much more patient man than Tsu.)

Just popping in for a moment to let everyone know that I am indeed alive (and kicking hard when I'm cranky).

I'm basically stuck in my house for the most part at the moment. I have been failing spectacularly at pretty much everything, or so it feels. I have panic attacks, random insomnia, really bad moods and crankiness (especially in the later afternoon and evening) .... And now I got a bad cold for my birthday. How utterly sweet of life.

I'm still trying out the MAOI. It's better than nothing, but I'm obviously not functional yet. We're probably going to axe the lamictol soon because I've been on it for ages and I still think it does squat. We'll see. My doc's got a few ideas for what might be a better augmentation to the MAOI.

So no, I'm not dead, I'm just hiding in my cave. I will come back out of hibernation when my winter's over. Hopefully.

Kaji

Arrgh. Poofing again. I've just been feeling sicker. I can't keep up with anything. I might pop on here and there. Comment on one of my entries or email me if you need to get ahold of me. (-removed 1/24/08 for SPAM control, Just comment if you need it.).  Those of you also having a rough time, *hug* for while I'm gone and can't be there for you. I'm not ignoring people, I'm going to take care of myself.


Kaji Phoenix

...I need help.

For once, I don't even feel like giving everyone an earful of the details of what's happening right now. Probably because I'm actually quite ashamed of myself for once.

...Anyways, if anyone is feeling so bold (or bored?) as to give me advice, I'll listen the best I can. But really, I only want advice if you can back it up. I don't want to deal with random shots in the dark right now.

(And damn it, people, stop blowing stuff up outside my window!!)

It's been four years now that I've 'officially' been running in circles with treatments.

I'm tired.


-----
eta:
1) I'm regretting cutting my hair. Not that this has much to do with the above, but oh well. I want it back, damnit. So most people gave me funny looks. Why did I have to lose control and get most of it whacked off??? I'm not supposed to be a man of regrets.
2) I guess I'm back t square one with wanting to be proven wrong in certain areas. I just want some sort of tangible proof, damn it. (This statement has ZIP to do with spirituality, btw. It's more of a self-esteem thing. It's like sure, people can SAY things, but unless I can wrap my logic around them or find proof, some things just don't help. IE my ex. I was hoping he would prove me wrong in several areas. Turns out he was a ...terrible debater, dark pun intended.)

Yoinked from heerodiscarded as it got me all introspective.

Beware of possible TMI.

Then again, if that kind of thing bothers you, then I've probably scarred you already with my trans babble.

And warning for the occasional snark. I think I did a pretty good job of holding it back.
----
That done, I had a panic attack at 4am last night after a dream and some resulting paranoia. I wasn't sure if it was WWII or WWIII, but the bejeebers were getting bombed out of everything and I was too shaky and fazed to punch mom's number into the cell phone. I then awoke with a paranoia that there was someone in the house that didn't belong there...

I didn't find anyone when I went to find my pills.

Just had to get that out of my system. It's been bugging me to the point where I'm a little afraid of going to bed.

I'ma gonna get more tea. Let's see if peppermint helps me get sleepy

Surgery is healing up very well, but that's not why I've been gone so long.

It's the med changes.

-Alive and kicking, sarcasm still intact.

Surgery went well itself. I went right home.

THEN came the problem. I had to go back to a hospital in the city to be admitted overnight. (Nothing life-threatening, don't fret.) Came home this morning more 'stable' but unfortunately with a catheter. I am toughing it out  (I've got meds that make it not bother me) and am currently going through harry potter movies.

I go back in to have the cath. removed tomorrow, and if I can pee on my own w/o intense spasms, then it'll all be uphill from there.

Just wanted to let everyone know how I'm doing. No comments 'cuz I'm too tired to answer 'em.

Like an act in a cheap magic show, I'm here and then I'm gone.

...

( Surgery tomorrow and Trans babble. )
With any luck, I will not have need for too much bitter sarcasm when I return.

Over and out,

Kaji.

((Too bad I don't have a doting boyfriend to run and get me tea this time.))

Yoinked from happyhead64

You Are the Super Ego

While some people may think first and act later... you often don't act at all. You rather be safe than sorry, and you take ethics pretty seriously. Like everyone, you have some pretty crazy desires. But unlike everyone, you restrain yourself. You have high standards for your own behavior. And you happily exceed them.

I was directed to two threads as a reply to my email to LJ support:

http://news.livejournal.com/99159.html

http://news.livejournal.com/99515.html

Basically, it looks like they admitted their mistake and are going about and fixing it.

I respect that very much, as ...how many people actually do that these days?

Seriously.

If you've heard about what's been going down with 'WFI' and the recent purging of hundreds of journals and feel like doing something about it... Check out these:

http://community.livejournal.com/innocence_jihad/11728.html

And, to quote tillyoulostme: 

'So, I thought I'd pimp </a></b></a>fandom_counts. 

Due to all of the unjust deletion and suspension of accounts, this comm is simply a way of counting how many people use LJ for fandom stuff, any fandom, at any point in time. You don't need to friend or anything, just join as there's no posts, but please join up to let LJ know that we won't take all this lying down, and there's a hell of a lot of us out there...'

I will be posting something friday, methinks.

Kaji has come out of hiding. The obnoxious comments will be back in journals. :p They may disappear after the upcoming surgery on june 4th, but I'm back... at least for now.

On to the fun stuff. This is going to be a long post...


And last weekend was... Fanimecon!! (A local anime convention.)

Note: a few BJD pictures included!


And I have a question (And a picture!) for any other yaoi readers out there:


So I'll be seeing everybody around. My semester is finally over. *whew*

Ugh. I'm feeling pretty ill still, hence why I haven't been commenting on journal entries much. I'll be back after my surgery, which is scheduled for June 4th, I think. I'm just not doing well at all. Doc may be putting me on an MAOI after surgery; I haven't improved, but not for lack of trying. It's been messy. I've become such a reclusive grump.

At least I managed a 15-page term paper in 3 days... and got a 50/50 on it. Eh heh... my brain is really the only thing I've got from which I can derive a little bit of self-esteem. :p

Anyways, here are the next two (yes, two) installments of Asylum. I did these for the last homework assignment in my perspective class, on which I received one of the few, if not the only, 'A's I've gotten on homework assignments for my core art classes.

This gave me... a *tiny* but very welcome bit of satisfaction. I have said several times over the semesters that it seemed that the people who receives 'A's on assignments were the people who already drew like professionals; I felt I could never measure up to their level and I felt ...quite inferior.

But that one small letter made the whole damn class worth it.

(And now for the comic. *dun dun*

And yesterday, the kitten came home. He has been dubbed Shotgun (long story) and is ...irresistibly cute. He settled right in with no fuss. He knows how to use the litter box already, and he immediately took to his new form of kitten chow.

Right now, he's sleeping on my lap.

<lj-cut text='And here are the promised pics:">





















He's a polydactyl kitten, meaning he has extra toes (which actually helps his balance). He has seven on each front paw, and five on each hind paw. I think they're bute.



And, for those of you who wonder what I look like... here's me... the man with the ponytail (and Shotgun, of course!)

</lj-cut>

Okay, quick note... I forgot to take my meds yesterday.

I had NO IDEA that it would f* me up this much.

I have these weird twitch-spasms between my head and shoulders, and I feel quite ill and out of control (which makes me feel only that much more worse...) And frankly, being like this is terrifying for me.

So, I'm quite literally pulling the plugs here for a while, possibly even for a few weeks until I can finish my semester. I'm turning off the thingy that tells me when people've posted stuff. I'm going to be MIA completely.

If you need to get ahold of me, contact me at my email: phoenix_kaji@neomail.com

I'll get back to you within a day or two.

That said, I will:

-post pics of the new kitten when he comes home on Friday (who is tenatively to be named 'shotgun' now; I thought about it for a long time... Mom couldn't get past Korth sounding like a 'klingon name', I realized that a cat named 'pistol' would probably get called 'piss' or 'piss-piss' for short... and I just couldn't wrap my mind around anything Japanese... and I liked the name pistol... because how many cats do you hear of with that name... lol... so shotgun it will probably be...   /ramble)
-post two new pages of the comic (that I'm creating as part of an assignment for perspective class) when they get finished; they're due next monday...
-post more art when I get around to scanning it
-return to LJ regularly once the semester is over (last day is May 19) and/or when I've stabilized myself.

Good luck to everyone who is having difficulties in their lives; I hope you are able to find some peace soon.

Off I go to seek mine, (and to further kitten-proof the room so that both the kitten and my possessions will be safe when he arrives.)

Kaji

Well, here's the one that I had drawn before the comic went on hold but neglected to scan for so long. I was scanning two weeks worth of homework assignments (I just caught up) and I figured, 'what the hell, why don't I scan this before it gets forgotten?'

So here it is. And yes, the resolution is different than before... I figured this way it's less likely to bog computers down. Photoshop's not exactly the master of small file sizes... If anyone's got a beef with it, just let me know...

So here you go.



Just keep in mind that I'm not continuing it right now, just posting an old one. I DO, however, plan to scan and post some other random drawings... when I get around to it.
I will be spending a lot of time... kitten-proofing my room. Yes. I'm getting a kitten. Our auto mechanic took in a stray cat who proceeded to have a litter. (She's been fixed now, though.) And mom took me by to see the kittens... and my mood lifted for a bit. Kittens are adorable.

And then came the idea that perhaps a pet would help my depression. (we have two cats, but neither of them is /mine/. And Misty's afraid of me half the time anyways... -_-;; She's partial to mom, and Sparky spends his days on my sister's bed.

The kitten I'm getting... is a little cream-colored boy (we think) with darker ears and tail. He's part Siamese, we think, but he's longhair-ish as well... 

And then comes the problem of names. When things get named temporary names in my head, they sometimes stick. One of the kittens we have dubbed 'squish' as he knocked something over and got ...squished. He didn't look too good for a day or two... but now, it's impossible to tell which one was squish 'cuz they're all bouncing off the walls again. I personally think it's the one my sister just dubbed 'darth kitten'.

Mine got unceremoniously dubbed 'pistol' after a comment from my mom about one of the kittens being 'a little pistol'. (And my sister started thinking AP Bio... 'pistil?' No, not pistil, /pistol/... lol)

Not sure if that's a good ...kitten name...?

What I think is neat is that he's a polydactyl kitten. ^^ It actually will help him balance better in the long run... Kitty's got THUMBS.

Guess he could shoot a tiny pistol then. o_o;;

I am here to announce my possible temporary absence for a while, especially from posting on my communities. I'm having a very hard time right now.

I'm behind in my perspective class, and I will have to file for an incomplete... (not so bad) BUT in order to do so, I have to get all my other work for the class finished. (ouch.) Then I have to deal with the 10-15 page psych paper (not so bad, as long as I don't leave it to the last minute.)

I'm having issues grappling with my depression (which is the main thing that's making life difficult right now) and the accompanying meds. I'm up to the highest reccomended dose of lamictol, and personally, I think it's doing SQUAT. My strattera's hanging in there, and I think that it's the only TRUE success I've had with meds yet. The very small dose I'm on helps a lot with the ADHD symptoms without making me maniacally driven all day or ...changing my personality or anything screwy. I've knocked the zoloft back a bit as the sweating was getting out of hand... that helped a bit, but I have noticed an increase in anxiety. (Damn! I was glad to have LOST most of that.

And the depression is rendering me unable to do much other than sleep, shower, play on neo, and draw. It bites. I'm lethargic, I don't have intrest in mych, and I seem to deprive enjoyment from little. It's a classic case of a major depressive episode. *nods*

I'll try and post art when it actually gets scanned, and I'll still read entries. I just have not much to say these days, so I may not be commonly posting. I just figured I'd let everybody know that I'm not gonna be ignoring them, nor am I dead.

Bye for now,

Kaji.

Yoinked from Lai_lai_ranma ...

(Hmm, I think the testosterone's been getting to me, ne?)

((yoinked from fadeblacktoblue))

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
5.

No matter how random, revealing, rude or pointless.
You can ask more or fewer than 5, whatever you want.
I promise to answer them 100% truthfully.
Repost this to see what others ask you...
If you don't then you're scared of what people may ask! =)

---

Addendum: Remember, don't ask anything that you aren't afraid of having ANSWERED! ;)

o_o

o_o

o_ou

I don't know how this happened, but I took the test again, more carefully and got the same result. (The time before this, his majority was a bit less. ) I don't think I'm like him at all.... ....(right?) Or maybe I'm bloody violent and don't know it?

I think I broke it.

(yoinked from Blukat)



You scored as Seishirou. You are like Seishirou Sakurazuka from Tokyo Babylon and X. Um... that's scary. People who do not know you very well may very well think that you are a kind and gentle soul - someone who loves animals and cares about the environment. But really, you probably couldn't care less. Your true nature is that you are a bit obsessive and antisocial. And maybe a bit of a stalker. And all of this would be a bad thing... if you weren't so damn cool.

</td></tr>

Seishirou		79%
Kero-chan		63%
Hokuto		63%
Kurogane		54%
Chii		54%
Kamui		54%
Fai		54%
Yuuko		46%
Miyuki-chan		46%
Sakura		25%
Watanuki		25%

Who is your inner CLAMP character?
created with QuizFarm.com

((Had to futz with the HTML a wee bit to get the darn thing to FIT on here. -_-;; ))